I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
