I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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