Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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