on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
