my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I am puke
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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