Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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