everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
