just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
