I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
