3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
