I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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