I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Randomize
