I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
