i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
