Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
