took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
