I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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