I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
