I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
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