I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
