no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
