Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
