From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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