wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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