Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
