I seem to have left my pride at pride
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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