i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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