I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
