I cannot find my penis.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
