i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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