turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
