Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
