My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I FOUND THE LEGS
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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