i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
