just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
