Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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