dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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