it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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