Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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