I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
There's always time for handjobs
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
