Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
