last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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