i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
