Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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