a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
