so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
