I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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