I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
