I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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