goodnight i made you a song goodbye
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
