The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
it's like heaven, but drunker
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
