you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
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