Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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