I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
