Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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