Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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