Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
